Assphenie Mayonaise (Stephenie Meyer)

'Cause, you know, I like to laugh at fucking everything because when things get serious, they stop being fun.

Anyway, those Bible-thumpers to me are like....really hardcore Twilight Fangirls. The ones that practice "Cullenism" and literally light the white candle every Monday and do the prayer in pig Latin with their right hand held over the "holy" piece of dog shit that they refer to as literary genius.

Only, they were so hardcore about that book, they felt the need to force it on their children. And their children forced it on their children, and so on, and so forth. And they put the fear of God into them in a very John Edward's fashion ("God's going to roast you on a spit over the flames of hell because you're a sinner and if you touch yourself you're going to go blind and become retarded, and no one will love you--Not even GOD! Especially not God, because you're a sinner--and then you'll go to hell where the Devil's going to sodomize you and then not even your hell-mates will want to associate with you!") and told them that if they didn't believe in God, bad things would happen.

And then when you think about it statistically, if your God is telling you that the non-believers are going to hell, and if the other versions of the same God are telling their people that you're going to hell, then aren't we all going to hell?

I don't believe in God or the Devil or any of that, but I do enjoy watching the psychology in action of those delusional bible-thumpers.

Besides. Hell is empty. All the devils are here! (Shakespeare)

Also,

Old Satan left Hell in a rush
to see his wife give one last push.
"Oh God!" She exclaimed.
"I can't take the pain!"
And that's how we got Dubya Bush.

-Anon

So anyway, what I'm wondering (losing sleep over) about is...what if those psycho fangirls do the same thing with Twilight? I mean, they all seem to think that Assphenie Mayonnaise is the best thing since Godiva, and the craze seems to be spreading like more than just a virus. It's like Stockholm Syndrome! They don't even know their logic has been kidnapped! Assphenie Mayonnaise is brainwashing the minds of girls all over the world!

I'll admit, I was a Twilight fan, from the beginning in 2005, and I was in fucking Middle School. It was easy to read and I liked the thought that I could be a huge loser and some super hero angsty bad-boy could come and become addicted to me, and I wouldn't have to worry about anything because he'd love every part of me--

It's the Price Charming Phoenomenom.

Someone should sue Disney for making every girl think she has a prince charming.

And someone should shoot Assphenie in the face for enforcing it, and brainwashing every girl that's ever picked up that brick of shit to believe that it's supposed to be romantic to have your own stalker.

Alright, if a blood thirsty vampire watches you in your sleep, you should be afraid of more things than morning breath.

Also! There's a fine, fine line between [love and a waste of time] sexism and chivalry, and assphenie has danced all over it, and then some.

So I was a fan in the beginning, and I gladly accepted the distraction from my Failure of a life, and by the time things started getting bad (When I got to high school and saw copies of it everywhere) I ignored it. When the books started getting bad, I turned the other way. When I tried reading Twilight and couldn't make it through without criticizing the style, I just thought I'd read the magic out of it.

And then when Breaking Dawn made me laugh so hard I thought it was a Joke, I woke up.

What the hell?

I think the reason it's taking over so easily is because it's not necessarily well written, it's because it's written on a level that everyone can understand.

I saw some elementary girls reading copies of it a few weeks ago. Thought I was going to pull my hair out in frustration.

The idea of Twilight was interesting at first. Vampires that defy standards. The gentle giant that doesn't want to be evil, yadiyadiyada.

But I'm a real vampire fanatic. I love the blood and the murder, and the evil that comes with it. Bring on the coffins and garlic.

Assphenie ruined the word "Twilight" for me. Now I can hardly make it through a Cummings poem without cringing every time I come across the word.

And I suspect Assphenie writes fanfiction of her own books. I think she gets off on knowing that she wrote something stupid enough that all of America (What does that tell you?) could love it.

And it doesn't take a lot of brain-power to realize that Twilight is just her sick necrophiliac fantasy of meeting a guy that would become addicted to her and would never look the other way for even a second and would die at the thought of having to leave her.

MMmm. How long have I been ranting for? I'm really tired now. Why was I ranting again? I started by watching this video, where this preacher started quoting something, and it just reminded me of Twilight fangirls that quote Twilight, and give a page number, chapter, and some context for it.

And then I started freaking out about what if things got like that for Twilight. And we had Twatheists, and Twudiests, and Twatholics, [but they'd all be friends--alright.]--

Urgh. I just used Regina Spektor in reference to assphenie mayonnaise. Someone should slap me.

But RegiSpek is getting really famous now, too. Right now I'm still a delirious fangirl who sings all of her songs (Even the ones that don't have albums) but now she's really popular everywhere, and if I mention her to stupid cunt she'll gush over "Fidelity" and how much she loves it, but couldn't name a single other song of hers. Not even the easy ones like "Us". And if you start talking about Songs--fucking forget about it. They wouldn't like the Pavlov's Daughter version of RegiSpek.

I'm starting to fear that it's like Twilight all over again. Come on, America! Let's not ruin something great, this time! Twilight wasn't really great to begin with, but it might have been acceptable if every ten year old didn't believe there was an Edward Cullen waiting for them to lay them over a bed of rose pedals and coo their virginity out with the promise of eternal love.

Because I'm not sure why this isn't common knowledge, but Homo Sapien Sapien just isn't meant to mate for life. Maybe psychologists haven't mentioned it because of all the religious controversy it might cause (Just like no one wanted to be the first to mention that homosexuality and bisexuality is actually found pretty frequently in nature, so it can't be "unnatural": "Homosexual Activity Among Animals Stirs Debate" from NationalGeographic.com) and freak everyone out. But it's the truth. It's just the way it is. Crows can handle mating for life. But those are crows. If we were meant to be like crows, we would be crows.

So there should be a rule for indie music. Because indie music is only indie music if it stays fucking unknown! If there's good indie music, there should be a rule that only people who can appreciate the style can listen to it. Because otherwise you get people that only like one song because they heard it that one time on the radio and thought it was "sooooo cute and totally reminds me of what I'm goin through right now. It's, like, um, that stuff that my boyfriend does, and it's" exactly what they want to hear. Knowing the most famous song of an indie artist does not make you indie rock.

And now when I meet people like that, I like to sing songs that aren't even on albums yet, just to put things into perspective for them.