La Soumis(e)

I've always been pretty fucked up when it comes to men.

In the end, it comes down to really...just a lack of trust. For a while I used to think that it was just all people in general, but I've only just realized that I *can* talk on the telephone, after all.

To my mother, my sisters, Ciocia Iwona, my best friend in Florida. The Hindi women working tech support for TracFone.

But if I called tech support and it was a man on the line I think I probably would have hyperventilated and hung up before I could stutter out an issue.

I just...I can't do it.

And after facing the very serious consequences for something completely harmless that I totally didn't mean to do when I was seven....well, I just can't handle being yelled at by a man. If I dropped the F-bomb and one of my female professors told me not to do it again, I would have just smiled and apologized, and made an honest effort to not do it again.

If a man did it, I would have wanted to crawl into a corner and kill myself. I feel this terrible urge to punish myself, like no matter what I do, I'm a completely worthless individual who cannot succeed regardless of any pathetic attempt I might manage to pull forward with.

:(

And the worst part is? I think if I had grown up completely normally with two parents in a suburb somewhere, I probably would have ended up with a naturally submissive personality. Because I can sort of feel it inside of me, like deep down I'm a submissive person.

But now...eh, I kind of feel like a whipped dog that's limping, whimpering in the corner just wishing it could become invisible.

I want to trust people, sort of, but I'm fucking scared out of my mind to try. It's so easy for someone to hurt me. It really is. And that honestly scares the crap out of me.

I was actually in a really good mood today, but then I let it get to me. Wish there was a way to turn off my brain. Then I could stop feeling so bi-polar all of the time.