So I've never really spoken about relationshits before, in my last blog.
I mean, there was that one angry post about that one guy that one time a long, long time ago.
And then a bunch of vague posts (much like the previous sentence) that you could really only understand if you were me, and knew exactly what had happened (Like that one time, at that one place, with that one person, involving hair pulling, and learning about some fucking disturbing fetishes that I didn't think existed outside of the internet. *cringe*). Because I always used to feel that that shit was private. And that one thousand people snickering at this little girl thinking she knew anything about anything like that wasn't really on my agenda.
Because I didn't (don't) know anything. That's the point. I have to describe how it feels anyway.
But mainly it was because the only chances I had to talk about those things were after they found me. And all freedom of speech went *poof*.
And I've been wrestling with the thought of making this blog searchable or not.
I always felt like people who wrote in blogs were just glorified attention whores who used words instead of cameras. (Right up there with people who try to commit suicide but just fall just a little bit short.)
And they sort of are. But in that regard, we all are. We just want someone to see what we have to say, and agree. We crave it. (Or at least I do. Or maybe I just want some assurance that I'm not as crazy as I think. Or that I want someone[1] to read this and understand, or think that maybe I'm not completely worthless.)
And so it becomes a debate of whether or not I think it's worth it.
I can risk being found again. Although, I think it might be hard if I stay as Pseudo Odeki does.
And I have to think about target audience. (You know, the one that no longer exists.)
And I have to consider that likely the first people to see this are probably a bunch of oldfags from a certain chemotherapy center who are just too fucking curious for their own goddamn good. (*ahem* Yes, I know you're reading this. *intent stare*)
And with that, it also becomes a question of...why the fuck did I use my new penname on a goddamn *chan site? And why the fuck haven't I come up with a new one?
But I digress.
I never really spoke about relationshits. I didn't think about them, even when I was in them, probably because I'm a failure at human interaction, and didn't want to put a label on anything. I think I was sort of scared that if I admitted what I was feeling, it would go away. And I was sort of right.
And I have a lot of bias about how much I hate how people talk about relationshits, and how fickle human emotion is. (Mine, at least.)
(And how I seem to have that problem with frequently seeing people more as objects of study than actual people.)
But I want to talk about this relationship. (If it even could be considered as such.)
Because I'm actually sort hopeful for this one.
And fuck, I actually feel like a teenager.
And because I actually have no idea what to say about it. Which is a first, outside of beta thoughts.
So what do I say?
How do I talk about something that I don't know how to talk about?
Eh. I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.
[1] Yes, that is referring to someone in particular.
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