Attempt 2.0.

Attempt 2.0.

Haven't actually blogged for a while, now.

I've actually tried keeping a journal again, but I'm shit at keeping journals.

You know what the sad thing is? I explained all of this in my last blog. And I keep thinking to myself, "Stop being repetitive."

But I'm not. Because no one knows me. I don't have a thousand readers a week anymore. My Dad isn't breathing down my neck, and I can actually talk about whatever the fuck I want, without giving the old man a heart attack.

'Bout fucking time.

First, I would like to start by denouncing him as my father. Blood isn't as thick as you would think, eh?

I wonder if he has any clue what his psychopath wife sent us in the mail?

But that doesn't matter, I guess.

I feel like a little kid again. There's that little feeling I get when I realize that something needs to be written down. It twists and it turns, and it feels good when it transitions through my arms and to my fingertips and into text. And if I miss it the first time around, then I try again.

I should warn you, my last blog had about 800 posts.

I guess I should start by explaining "beta thoughts".

I tend to stop thinking when I get lost in thought. But it isn't really that I stop thinking, it's more that my thoughts sink into a deeper level. My thoughts stop being lucid words and become emotions and passing whispers of notions that I don't really think about at all. I understand them all at once, and I don't have to think about them to process them. I'm not just thinking; I'm on the same level as my thoughts. Sometimes I call it Brainguage. (Brain Language) because I have no idea what to call it. It's sort of like sleeping.

Sometimes I try to blog in that state, but that's proven pretty difficult. Have you ever tried translating an emotion into English? No, usually the revelations I arrive at come after I return to my normal state.

I call those revelations beta thoughts.

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Fell asleep in class today. Had a dream that one of my bettas died.

Just finished giving him the 'ole burial at sea. :(

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Despite my fishy failure, I'm in a pretty good mood. Or at least, I am now. Earlier I was -2 (On a scale of -10 to +10.) and now I'm at +5.

I met this Deaf woman and she made my week.

Pardon if I make a holy load of typos. It's colder than hell right now, and my hands are shaking like someone that ODed on Spike.

This is my second semester taking ASL after failing Spanish and French, and I'm glad I finally found a language that I'm actually good at. We went out to eat at this local restaurant and there's a Deaf woman working there. I didn't know it, though. Someone asked me what my name was and I signed and said "My name is--" and someone responded in ASL "Oh, you know sign?"

"I'm learning."

"Oh! Where are you learning from? Is your teacher Deaf?"

And so on. I didn't think I'd ever get a name sign, since I've never met any deaf people before, but she gave me one.

It's the sign for "music" but with a "v" instead of an open palm. And I'm so excited for it. I feel like a child, sort of.

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(*I realize this entry seems a little bi-polar. I wrote half of it when I was -2, and the other half when I was +5.)